Sweet Baby Girl Angel Birth Story

February was a whirlwind month and last week was the worst week ever. At the very end of January, nausea and fatigue tipped me off and we confirmed that I was pregnant! At my pregnancy confirmation appointment the lady was new at doing ultrasound, so she thought that I was at 5 weeks. I had some very light bleeding that she thought was coming from my cervix, but to check so we did an ultrasound at the hospital the following week. I thought that I was at 6 weeks and the radiologist confirmed that I was actually at 9 weeks for that ultrasound. Baby was due one day after L’s due date, September 11, 2017. The baby looked great and nothing appeared to be any cause for concern.

The next week we did the genetic testing, and the following week the results were all negative- excellent news. The doctor’s office put a piece of paper revealing the baby’s gender in an envelope so that we could open it together that night as a family.  Monday night (2/21) we were thrilled to be having a baby girl! We had sensed she was a girl and kept talking about how she was our little princess and how funny it would be if it actually ended up being a boy.

It was surreal to think that we could get pregnant unexpectedly, be further along than we anticipated, be having another September baby, and having a sweet baby girl. Only minutes after opening the envelope that revealed the gender, I started bleeding and passing clots. I called my doctor and she said if the bleeding stopped to come see her the following day, but if it continued, we should go to the hospital. With losing so much tissue I had to know if the baby was okay, so Hubb's and I went to the emergency room. (It was close to L's bedtime, so we put him to bed and a girlfriend came over to stay with him.)

When we were checking in at the Emergency Room I passed a huge clot and was worried that it could have been the baby; I was prepared to hear that I had miscarried. My only hope was that I wasn’t cramping at all. After an hour to even get a room and another hour to see the doctor, and finally about 3 hours after our arrival, the ultrasound showed she was still there and she even waved at us! I became very optimistic, I felt like everything was going to be alright. Then the doc came in and said baby's heart rate was slow, just 101 bpm and the placenta was bleeding in 2 places. My heart dropped again. We didn’t get home until 2am and it was almost impossible to sleep. I was certain that I would wake up to cramping and miscarrying my baby. I told my baby that I wanted her to stay so badly, but if she had to go, I would understand.

Tuesday afternoon the bleeding slowed and at the OBs office I was elated to hear everything that I wanted to, baby's heart rate was back up to normal and they didn't see any bleeding with the placenta. Wednesday I stayed home and rested. I had minimal bleeding and no cramping, so I thought the scare was behind us. I knew that we were still in a risky situation, but I thought she was going to make it.

I woke up Thursday at 3am with a little cramping. I made an appointment with my doctor in case the cramping continued to get worse, and it did. At 1pm the doc reported the same as Tuesday and thought the cramping could be to pass the remaining clots. This seemed odd to me because I hadn't cramped at all previously and passed some huge clots. I went home that afternoon and basically went into labor. I was in excruciating pain and timed the contractions that were 3 minutes apart. By the evening the contractions had subsided and I was so happy to still be with child. I went to pee before bed and I felt some pressure, and our baby girl came out. I was devastated. I could clearly see her perfectly formed tiny body.

I know 12 weeks isn't that far along, but it really felt like it to us. She was already waving and playing peek-a-boo in the ultrasound. 

I feel like logically I understand this is common and I need to move on, but remembering that I'm no longer pregnant is hard. The hormones make things tough, but I’m finally sleeping through the night without waking up crying.

 I know that we’ll have a rainbow baby someday, but that’s not much comfort right now. I know I’ll heal in time, but it’s hard to imagine feeling whole again.

I carried you every moment of your life and I will think of you every moment for the rest mine. I will always carry your heart in my heart. Even in heaven you are still our baby. No footprint is too tiny to leave an imprint on this world. I miss you so much and the life that I had imagined for you. Your wings were ready, but my heart was not.

If my love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.