Part III of VI “How to Talk” Parenting Skills to Try: Alternatives to Punishment

(In case you missed Part I or Part II)

I believe there is a time and place for punishment, but perhaps it’s overused because it’s familiar if we were raised that way and easy because it doesn’t require much effort or thought. Here are some ideas to consider when you have the patience and energy ;-)

1. Express your feelings strongly, but without making your child feel attacked, or speaking negatively of his character. I’m furious that my scissors weren’t where they belong when I needed them! (Please excuse this blast from the past, clearly my brother and I often got in trouble for using Mom’s scissors- specifically her sewing scissors that we liked to use on inappropriate materials :-P)
2. State your expectations- focus on what the right thing is, not what has been done wrong. I expect that my belongings be returned when they’ve been borrowed.
3. Show the child how to make amends. The past can’t be changed, but attempting it to make it right is as close as we can come. Plus, the effort making amends requires will be a good deterrent to making mistake again. Child stop a fun activity to go find scissors and return them immediately with an apology.
4. Give the child a choice where he can chose not to do the undesirable thing, or do something that is desirable. You can use my scissors and return them, or not use them.
5. Take action preventing the thing from happening, so that the child can’t engage in the undesirable behavior. Hide scissors and when child asks why you can ask what his best guess is.
6. Problem-solve. This may not work so well for a toddler, but older children are very creative with coming up with solutions. Talk about how the child feels and what he needs (don’t rush talking about your child’s feelings, genuinely try to understand), what you feel and need (be sort and clear with your own feelings, since children tend to have short attention spans), brainstorm together and find a mutually agreeable solution (don’t permit the child to blame or accuse you at any point, you must be firm on this). Sometimes it helps to write down ideas, and during the brainstorming phase it’s important to not evaluate; write down everything. Read through suggestions and find one that you can both live with. What can we work out so that you can use my scissors when you need them and so that I’ll be sure they’re there when I need them?  

(If you're interested in learning more about this skill in greater detail, you can buy the book How to Talk so Kids will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk.)

Part IV: Encouraging Autonomy