Part V of VI “How to Talk” Parenting Skills to Try: Praise
We all know some
moms operate under the theory that beating their children down before the world
has a chance to makes them stronger, but from what I’ve seen it definitely has
the opposite effect. Humans are programmed to be precisely what they believe themselves
to be. Therefore a person with supportive parents who point out the positive
and praise the good will inevitably be more secure and happy than they would
have been throughout their lives. When children feel good about themselves they
can cope with the challenges of life and set higher goals because they are
confident that they can reach them, and in the even that they don’t, they know
that they are still loved. Good self-esteem is essential, so it stands to
reason that a parent should do everything they can to enhance it. When we show
respect for a child’s feelings, offer him a chance to make a choice, or give
him a chance to solve a problem, his confidence grows. Thus the concept of
praise may seem obvious and straight-forward, but unfortunately it’s not.
When
executed incorrectly, praise can make your child doubt your judgment (“if she
thinks I’m a good cook, she’s either lying or knows nothing about good food.”),
lead to immediate denial (“you’re always so cheerful!.... you should have seen
me an hour ago.”), create anxiety or even be threatening, if the child did something
exceptionally well this time then there’s pressure to perform again in the
future, force him to focus on his weaknesses (“So smart? I still can’t do my
times tables.”), and praise can be experienced as manipulation and leave your
child wondering what you want from him. The way to avoid these traps is to
DESCRIBE what you see instead of making evaluation statements like the previous
examples.
- Describe what you see. “I see a clean bedroom with no toys on the floor and a neatly made bed!”
- Describe what you feel. “It’s a pleasure to walk into this room!”
- Sum up the child’s praiseworthy behavior with a word. “You sorted out your books, craft supplies, and Legos and put them in separate areas, that’s what I call organization!”
(If you're interested in learning more about this skill in greater detail, you can buy the book How to Talk so Kids will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk.)
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