Part IV of VI “How to Talk” Parenting Skills to Try: Encouraging Autonomy

(In case you missed Part I, Part II, or Part III)

Let children make some choices about the world around them. I vividly recall how frustrating it is to be a child who feels like she has no control over her environment. Perhaps I was precocious in my ambitions to attempt to control the world around me. Even today I like to feel like I have some sense of control, even in situations when I know my effort is futile. Perhaps this is why I love giving my son false choices so much-  that way he feels like he’s exercising control and making decisions, but I still have the satisfaction of knowing that I’m happy about either outcome. Would you like to wear your orange pajamas or blue ones? Either way I'm happy he's wearing pajamas!

1. Show respect for a child’s struggle. This may feel condescending on the surface, but if you think about it, things truly are very hard when they are new, and many things are new for your child. Empathize by thinking of a time when you learned something new and it was difficult to learn and refine over time. Learning to tie your shoes can be frustrating. Just like it was frustrating for you to use the new report format at work.
   
2. Don’t ask too many questions. Questions can feel like an attack, regardless of how benign they seem, because they can be experienced as an invasion of one’s private life. Children will walk about what they want to when they want to, so the best that you can do is be open and available when they are ready. Glad to see you, welcome home! verses How was your day? What did you do?
3. Don’t rush to answer questions. When children ask questions it’s good to give them a chance to think it through and explore the answer themselves; the classic Socratic method used by the best teachers. That’s interesting, what do you think that is?
4. Encourage children to use sources outside the home. We want our children to know that parents don’t have all the answers and we aren’t their only resource. Sometimes other people may actually have better answers than parents and it's good for children to be of the mindset that there are ample resources available to them and know how to access those resources. Maybe the pet shop has a suggestion about why your fish is lethargic.
5. Don’t take away hope. When we try to protect our children from disappointment we can also be preventing them from hoping and striving toward their dreams. To your child who has no acting experience and wants to try out of the lead role in a play: instead of since you haven't acted before, perhaps you should try out for a supporting role, encourage them to try it. So you’re thinking of trying out for the lead! That should be an experience.

It takes great restraint and self-discipline to not give advice and do other things to help our child and “save” them from making mistakes. However, it’s important for them to learn how to work through struggles because that’s a skill that they will be able to apply throughout their lives. Let them fail and learn on the small stuff so that they know how to work through the big stuff that you can't save them from. Plus, a better reward than the ease of doing something is the deep satisfaction he will feel from accomplishing things on his own! This also comes at the expense of the parent's sacrifice of not having the satisfaction of being needed, but that’s the best gift you can give your child. 

Part V: Praise