Part I of VI “How to Talk” Parenting Skills to Try: Acknowledging Feelings

I’m still a new mom, so I have no business giving advice to seasoned vets, but I recently read “How to Talk so Kids will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish and the skills in this book make a lot of sense to me. These skills and tools have already been helpful with my toddler and the book also gives numerous examples of these skills and tools working well for other parents with children of all ages. I think that what is going to feel the most natural to a parent is probably how we were parented, especially if we feel like we’ve turned out alright ;-) However, I figured it doesn’t hurt to try new strategies and anything that can make the relentless plight of parenthood even a smidge easier is worth it! One caution about this approach, if you weren’t raised this way, it’s akin to learning a new language. It may feel unnatural, mechanical, and require a lot of thought before speaking for a period of time. However, you will eventually become much more fluent in speaking this language and I think it’s worth the travel down a bumpy path to learn.

Part I: Acknowledging Feelings

If it sounds cliché, that’s because it is. However, knowing something and knowing how to do it, much less actually doing it, can be quite different scenarios. I think the best way to learn this skill is by practicing empathy, “how would I feel in that situation?” and if that’s challenging try translating it to an equivalent adult scenario. If you were upset would you want advice, a philosophical discussion, to be psychoanalyzed, or have to listen to someone else’s opinion or point of view? Probably not. You would probably want the person that you were venting to simply acknowledge the way that you feel and agree that it makes sense for you to feel that way. A friend who says “calm down, you’re overreacting” is much less of a friend than the one who remarks “where shall we bury the body?”. It’s the same for your child. When someone acknowledges feelings there’s no reason to escalate those feelings to be heard because they have already been heard. It’s also confusing for the child to be told that they shouldn’t feel the way that they do. Whatever the child feels should be respected, because that’s their reality, no matter how absurd it may seem to adults. When feelings are acknowledged the child feels less upset and confused and able to move from the emotional state to a logical one to start coping with the problem.

1. Instead of half-listening, listen with full attention. There are always competing topics tugging at our attention, but it’s important to focus and listen to your child, even if his concern seems unnecessary to you. Translating this to adult life, when you walk into your boss’s office and she seems distracted and is only half listening, how does that make you feel? Apparently the email she’s reading or the thought that provokes that distant look in her eyes is more important than me and what I have to say. 
2. Instead of questions and advice, acknowledge what your child is saying with a word – “Oh… Mmmm… I see…” Asking a child questions can make it feel like you’re intruding on his private life and feelings, so sometimes it’s better to encourage your child to talk without asking questions. Also, sometimes when we give advice we don’t let our child continue to process his feelings and problem solve for himself. You wouldn’t want your friend asking about something personal that you hadn’t offered to share. You also wouldn’t want her injecting her advice when you just wanted to talk through your feelings when you already know how to solve the problem, just needed a listening ear.
3. Instead of denying the feeling, give the feeling a name. Sometimes just naming a feeling is deeply comforting. The emotion and logic parts of our brain are so different, it can be difficult to describe a feeling and label it. Just giving a feeling a name helps us to understand it in our logical mind. Helping a child through this process as they learn what each feeling feels like and what it’s called can be extremely helpful for them.
4. Instead of explanation and logic, give a child his wishes in fantasy. When children want something they can’t have adults often shut them down with logical explanations as to why they can’t have it. Knowing this information doesn’t help, sometimes we still want something even if we know we can’t have it. A good way to show you understand how badly your child wants something is by granting it in fantasy. For example a child is upset that the cookies are gone and he really wants one. “I wish I could snap my fingers and have hot fresh cookies appear right now!” Having someone know how much you want something can be almost as good as getting the real thing.

Of course these strategies don’t work all the time for all children, but it gives a frustrated parent a few new options to try. For example, some children prefer not to talk when they’re upset and a parent’s presence is enough. Remember that ultimately you know your child the best, so do what feels right for you. As an added bonus, these skills can be helpful with ALL relationships, so it’s well worth your time to give it a try. My toddler, husband, and staff all benefit from my attempts to practice this skill :-D (If you're interested in learning more about this skill in greater detail, you can buy the book How to Talk so Kids will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk.)

Part II: Engaging Cooperation