Part II of VI “How to Talk” Parenting Skills to Try: Engaging Cooperation

(In case you missed Part I)

Part II: Engaging Cooperation

When I picked up my toddler from Early Ed yesterday I had to pause the audiobook, “How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk”, by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish, specifically chapter 2 about engaging cooperation. I found my tot happily raking a puddle and had no intention of bringing this enjoyable activity to a close anytime soon. My creativity is greatly depleted at the end of the day and I just couldn’t think of how to coax him off of the playground. After asking repeatedly for him to come inside and get his lunchbox, I resorted to collecting a kicking and screaming toddler under my arm and off we went. As he was still crying about being forced into his car seat I pressed play on the audiobook. The irony is not lost on me.

Parents and children often have different needs and that’s one of the common places where the struggle begins. As parents we feel that pointing out our child’s room for improvement to meet our standards could teach them what they should be doing. We blame, accuse, call names, threaten, command, lecture, warn, play martyr, compare, become sarcastic, and warn them of their doomed future if they don’t meet our expectations. This book suggests some alternatives. Again, not all of these skills work for all parents and all children, but these five skills encourage an environment of respect which is fertile ground for cooperation instead of negative feelings and an angry gridlock.

1. Describe. Describe what you see, maybe from your perspective or literally. Sometimes a child isn’t aware of the bigger picture or what the situation appears to be from your perspective. Once a child has that information he can often solve the problem for himself. It’s easier for the child to think about solving the problem when he doesn’t have to become defensive or lie to ward off what feels like an attack. This is also a good opportunity to acknowledge your child's feelings as detailed in Part I. (“There’s water on the floor.”)
2. Give information. Information is easier for a child to receive than criticism or an accusation. Again, when the child has the information he can often figure out what needs to be done. (“There’s water on the floor and it can be dangerous if someone slips on it or it could damage the wood if it’s not cleaned up quickly.”)
3. Say it with a word. Most children have a short attention span and don’t enjoy lectures or long explanations and have often lost focus before the action item becomes clear. Using a word or two gets directly to the point so the child isn't distracted by what he perceives to be rambling and knows exactly what is being asked of him. (“The water!”)
4. Talk about your feelings. It’s helpful for your child to know if something is upsetting to you. This is also a great opportunity to be an example of sharing feelings so that your child can learn how to share his feelings with you in the future. (I don’t like stepping in water and having wet socks.)
5. Write a note. Sometimes the written word communicates in a way that the spoken word cannot. I think notes add an element of fun as well. (“Where’s my friend the paper towel? I want to see her again! Thanks, Puddle of Water.”)

Some of these skills can be especially challenging at first because when they come out mechanically your tone could be off. You also don’t want to be condescending in giving a child information that they already know. I like the idea of speaking to a child’s intelligence, initiative, sense of responsibility, sense of humor, and ability to be considerate of the needs of others. Tomorrow when I pick up my son who is happily playing in a puddle I'll try, "I see a happy toddler who is playing in a puddle! The problem is we need to head home for dinner. Mommy is getting hungry! Mommy gets cranky when she's hungry and eats late." Ha, who's the child? We aren't sure :-P (If you're interested in learning more about this skill in greater detail, you can buy the book How to Talk so Kids will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk.)

Part III: Alternatives to Punishment